| you have my attention |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|08:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | copeland | ] |
Now that the dust has settled and my temporary fix is no longer present; I can look at this with clear eyes.
I have been hurt many times, but none as bad as when I don't feel appreciated or loved. I needed to remove myself from an unhealthy relationship and friendship.
Things are going to be difficult, he was my best friend and lover for a long time. But I have to keep in mind that it is for the best.
Each word is a stab to the chest. Each new lie that peaks its way into my consciousness almost breaks me.
But I will not be broken by this. I know what I have to offer, and the people who truly love and care about me know that as well. Maybe I only have a few friends, but they mean more to me than anyone could.
Thank you to everyone who has held me up through this long ten months. There have been many of you, and I owe you all my life.
I will smile, I will not stop smiling. Because I know that with bad comes good. And despite how hard this is right now, there is something better right around the corner.
I will not shed anymore tears for this forgotten love.
I will not cry for something so far gone.
I am okay.
I will be okay.
Now if only I could believe it. |
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| Thank you... |
[Sep. 14th, 2006|10:22 pm] |
to all who have doubted me. Thank you for not believing in me and my abilities. Thank you everyone who has ever called me ugly or useless. Thank you all of you who told me to kill myself. Thank you for putting me down and making me believe i wasnt amazing. Thank you for telling me how horrible of a person I am. Thank you to everyone who has deserted me, everyone who has told me they cared and left me. Thank you for using and abusing me. Thank you everyone who has lied, decieted, cheated, (assisted someone in cheating), and otherwise disrespected me. Thank you so much to all who has talked shit behind my back or to my face. Thank you for putting me down and then kicking me while im there.
To all of you who think or know that you have done or are doing any of the above i truly thank you. The one thing you have helped me do is prove you all wrong. The only thing you have acomplished is making me try harder. Try harder at the things you told me I could never do. And i will make it.
If you have read all of this and still believe you have done none of the above to me, then think again. Im sure you have. |
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| you really had me |
[Sep. 14th, 2006|10:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | floor | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dresden dolls | ] |
Raise your glass
We have incorporated
Place your bets
We're all so sick of waiting
Queen takes jack
You got me this time but I'll get you back
So pick a number
To all the ones who tried the most
Was I supposed to cheer your efforts
Sorry that I chose so poorly
Golly gee am I the poster girl
She's the kind of girl who looks for love in all the lonely places
The kind who comes to poker pockets stuffed with kings and aces
She's the kind of girl who only asks you over when its raining
Just to make you lie there catching water dripping from the ceiling
Lift your hats
Off to the checkout girls with tattooed backs
They'd make an angels skin crawl
If you ask them for assistance
There's an even chance
You'll get a number
To all the girls at pearl the surly boys who get to masticate them
I've a prize for each and every one of you so just be patient
To all the ones that hated me the most a toast
You really had me
Going for a second I was nervous
Boy am I the poster girl
She's the kind of girl who gets her slings and arrows from the dumpster
The kind who tell you she's bipolar just to make you trust her
She's the kind of girl who leaves out condoms on the bedroom dresser
Just to make you jealous of the men she fucked before you met her
To all the ones who thought they knew me best a test to prove your prowess
Who was mine in Ninety-nine I want last names and current status
To all the ones who hated me the most a toast you really had me going for second
I was nervous boy am I the poster girl
For some suburban sickness
Better keep a healthy distance
Now its up to you know what to do
It's pretty dirty business |
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| fuck all this shit. |
[Sep. 11th, 2006|04:12 am] |
im so over all of it. feeling like this. i dont deserve it. not anymore. why cant you just make me happy. why cant i be enough for you?
i have such a hatred for everything right now. i want to break windows and doors and faces. fuck all of this.
im gonna kill someone or myself.
go slow... |
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| no relationships are ever finished...just abandoned |
[Aug. 31st, 2006|11:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed on the floor | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | paulson - window frames | ] |
i feel this extreme sense of creativity that is leaking out of my pores. its almost like i am lusting to create. yet my brain is so scattered that i cant focus my thoughts on one thing. i have an overwhelming feeling of confusing and insecurity. almost as if i dont get all of this built up artistic energy out of me i will explode.
i have also decided that i need to target the things that have been causing me such distress and eliminate them from my life. it has gotten to the point where my own home disgusts me. i am pretty tolerant when it comes to certain things, but then at the same time, i need some personal space and some sort of oasis that i can escape to. and that is not at all what i have right now. but i need to acquire it if it is the last thing i do. i should not feel dirty when i sleep in my bed, i should not have to hide my belongings from my friends to insure that they do not steal anything. i should not have to live like this, nor will i any longer. i must put my foot down.
nick is nothing less than incredible and has been helping me with absolutely everything. becca is also amazing and has been there for me and held me at my lowest. i love the situation in the sense that i know what this could be. and i see it being incredible. the only thing is all of us have been at the end of our fuse and just started to not give a fuck. people should not just be staying here for weeks on end. nor should any of us have to clean up unbelievable messes from the night before. "its not a party if it happens every night." i think that one quote has hit me very hard recently. this is not who i am, not who i will pretend to be, or who i ever want to be. i dont like getting fucked up on pills and drugs and alcohol every night. i do not like losing control of myself and my actions. and i sure as hell cannot live in an environment where everyone around me feels it necessary to participate in that on a daily basis.
yes, maybe i speak too soon, for i know i dont have anywhere else to go. but thats why i want to make this living situation work. i love both nick and becca, and i would do anything to make this incredible for all of us.
i think we all just need to sit down and talk about boundaries and limitations. what each one of us expects from the other and how we can all accomplish what needs to be done as a group instead of someone taking on the burden.
who needs acid for a sudden realization, when all i have to do is stop taking my medication for two days. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 27th, 2006|11:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | couch bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ben folds | ] |
im so sick of all of this. its not who i am. or who i want to be. im suck and tired of the drugs, the lies and all the deception. call me anal, call me crazy, but i live here too. and i dont see why everything i do has to come into question, especially when im usually the one cleaning up after everyone. blow your money on drugs and alcohol. see if i give a shit. but dont do it before you take care of what needs to be taken care of. i cant be the only responsible one. i cant be the one that everyone uses and walks on. i keep trying to get over that bullshit, but somehow it keeps coming back in different forms.
why cant you all just grow up? you have all had your life/death experiences with all this shit, why havent you learned your lesson? why must it always be "next time"
i just want someone on my fucking level. i want to find someone who doesnt need that shit or even want it to be happy.
god damn |
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| tilt your head and turn into the setting sun |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|05:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | futonnnn | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | stars-heart | ] |
last night/this morning was fucking insane. i dont even know most of the shit that happend. yager bombs like crazy dancing on stages, after partys, throwing up my brains on the way to lehigh...and back, people at the apartment untill 8 in the morning, blood on my ice tissues.
nick took care of me all night, he was incredible. i was helpless and it was horrible.
last night made me think about alot of things, i feel like i am gradually turning into my dad. thats not who i want to be. i really scared myself last night. i havnt been that out of control in a while. i really need to start dealing with my problems as they arise and not letting them build up and then go binge drinking.
shits crazy |
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| baby im crazy |
[Aug. 25th, 2006|02:18 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | futon | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the faint | ] |
i am fuckeddd up. tonight was fun, it was nice to go out for a change.
there has been a lot of shit on my mind recently. but the way i figure it things will work out the way they should. im no longer worried. i have people who care about me around me and who are more than willing to help me out when i need it. everything i going alot better then i ever expected.
people can tell me that im living my life the wrong way, or that im not doing things properly but frankly i dont give a shit. i am happy with the people around me, i am happy with my situation wether it be good or bad.
so dont fuck around with me, im happy.
loveeee |
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| who knows anymore |
[Aug. 24th, 2006|03:22 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | futon | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | upset | ] |
| [ | music |
| | gregory and the hawk | ] |
A Wish
I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
I’m thinkin’ about how you care half as much for me
While I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep…
And I guess it doesn’t matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
isn’t enough
and I swear I’m gonna cry.
I’m sick of tryin’ to be tough.
And my blood won’t stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
And I wish to feel smaller under your hands,
though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
down your pants.
And I’m thinkin’ about how you care half as much for me
While you lift up my shirt after asking politely.
And I guess it doesn’t matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it’s her you’ll always love and it’s her I’ll always envy.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won’t keep me up.
But I swear I’m gonna cry.
I’m sick of tryin’ to be tough.
And my blood won’t stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
And it’s hard to find
What I want
When it’s buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I’m not sure you’d cooperate.
Not sure you’d come clean.
And I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
And I’m thinkin’ about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.
And I guess it doesn’t matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn’t enough
and I swear I’m going to cry.
I’m sick of tryin’ to be tough.
Yeah, I swear I’m gonna cry.
I’m sick of tryin’ to be tough.
And my blood won’t stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
Is gonna tear mine away |
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| when? |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|03:44 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed on the floor | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | kottonmouth kings | ] |
when is this sadness ever going to end. when is this need for self and perscribed medication going to stop. maybe it wont. maybe this is just how i am, how i will be untill the world stops turning.
i also need to start doing things for myself, but i know i wont. i will continue to give and give untill there is nothing left of me.
i have already run out of most everything but love, and that just isnt enough anymore.
i have found that the more you listen to people when they are talking to you, the more you realize that they are only waiting for their turn to talk. waiting to tell you their sob story, waiting to top yours, and dont really have a care about what you have to say. its really depressing when you start to see that in everyone that you thought gave a shit.
but then at the same time, other people have a way of suprising you. people you thought didnt care at all seem to care more than you ever expected.
yeah. ive lost myself. |
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| i live to let you shine |
[Aug. 22nd, 2006|07:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | gregory and the hawk | ] |
left alone, once again abandoned by what she thought was real.
left to make it alone, loveless and heartless
she vows an oath to no longer give her heart away unless they earn it
no one will take advantage and then desert her again.
left like all the rest, thats what he did
took what he could without having to ask, and then left in the night.
like he was never there.
a cold breath of air, a faint memory of a faux happiness that she thought was finally genuine.
"we should teach him what he might lose" they said to her. but he never got it
he never realized that i would have given him the world.
the world on a silver plater.
sailed to the end of the earth and back just to make him happy, thats what she would have done.
and in most cases, did.
all she wanted was a happy ending. or at least a happy beginning.
she got neither.
"just leave me your wake to remember you by" |
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| this is not a bruise |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|02:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | monica- just one of dem days | ] |
i dont even know what to think anymore. i feel like i am the only person trying to do anything. the only one putting in an effort. i cant live like this anymore. this isnt who i am, nor who i want to be. i respect myself too much to be taken advantage of. i dont think that thats whats going on, but that sure as hell is what it seems like. i dont know what to think anymore. my whole life perspective has been thrown off. i just want some sort of stability or normality. i dont know why i keep feeling like what i am doing is so wrong, i dont know how he can make me feel like shit for standing up for myself. that has never been who i was.
my whole life i have let people walk all over me, take advantage of me and use me up. but i at least stood up for myself somewhat, sure i would allow it to happen, but i would let it be known that i felt used.
im a god dammed wreck. im all topsy turvey and upside down. i just want someone to tell me im okay. |
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| i dont even know anymore... |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|01:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
everything is so damn confusing. i am so in love, yet at the same time, so lost. i want this to be the best for both of us, i want this to be the thing that i know both of want it to be. i want to do anything i have to do to make this work to the best of its ability. i have never felt this way in my life. i want this to last forever |
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| oh man |
[Aug. 20th, 2006|03:25 am] |
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i dont even know what to do with myself anymore. I keep getting so upset over things that i probably shouldnt. but i cant help it. these are the times when i wonder if its possible to care too much. this shouldnt be how im living my life. on the verge the whole time, unable to just be content. i just hope that its not me trying to create another unstable relationship out of something that is perfectly fine. my stomach is in knots and for no apparent reason, at least not one that makes any logical sense. i want to just sit here and cry, but maybe thats just the beer talking |
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| yeah, so im back |
[Aug. 19th, 2006|12:05 am] |
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i wanted to see if i actually remembered my account name and password, and believe it or not, i did! so i am going to start writing here again, because it was always a good way to vent before and i am in need of one now. Life has been quite crazy recntly, but things are now calming down. i have a fantastic boyfriend/fiance who doesnt treat me like shit, i have a new apartment, and im starting my job tomorrow. hopefully this will be as relieving as it used to be |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2004|12:01 pm] |
FRIENDS ONLY
Comment to be added
<3 |
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